Back against the wall

I’ve done the best work in my life when my back was against the wall. When there was no option but to fight or flight. But the problem is - fight or flight happens only when we’re in a situation that needs fight or flight. Else, we’re just coasting through life on autopilot. And that’s my biggest fear - to be uninvolved in the way life unfolds.

Deep down, I feel an innate need to prove myself in every facet of life. Especially when someone (even inconsequential to me) doubts my ability to do so. This is such an external orientation towards life that I despise falling prey to it every time it happens, even while being fully self-aware. Somehow, this drive manifests itself into healthy outcomes and I forgive myself until it’s time to prove myself again.

The first time I remember feeling this was when my class 7 teacher slapped me in front of the entire class. I was a quiet kid, not mischievous but also pretty average academically until then. After this happened, I just recoiled personally, and in a quiet rebellion started doing exceptionally well in academics. The overturn was almost miraculous, everyone at home and in school were surprised to see someone new break into ranks after being so average all this while.

This has been the theme of my life even now: something bad happens, I sulk and then quietly try revenge succeeding. All of this, in the hope that someone imaginary approves of my brilliance. That only if I achieve something good in the eyes of others, will I have value as a person.

I find myself giving in to this syndrome even now, in small and big ways. I sometimes wonder if the teacher hadn’t slapped, or many such micro moments over the years hadn’t happened, would I have succumbed to a lesser version of myself?

I can literally attribute a lot of personal and professional achievements in life back to something that went wrong which motivated me. It’s a pattern I didn’t want to believe in until it was too obvious. If things are normal, I end up being complacent. No motive to strike big, no fear of loss, just letting things happen. And I hate when this happens.

Things really escalate when you try manufacturing chaos to push yourself out of this slog. When you consciously try putting yourself in situations that are demanding. When things are going great, you almost wish for something to tumble so you’re always on your toes, striving for better because otherwise you won’t.

After so many personal and professional rejections, I’ve also created a mental persona that I handle rejections well. Mostly because I feel I can channelize them into better outcomes. This leads to me being okay with rejections rather than avoiding them in the first place. Being too self-aware sometimes binds us in a single identity which is difficult to break through. So I try not putting any labels on myself no matter how better they make me feel.

I think the reason behind this entire madness is the insecurities that haunt us the most. Trying to fill those gaps by proving something that nobody else but you care about. If you doubt your own abilities, you’d naturally think others do it too. If you feel unloved yourself, you’d naturally think others dislike you for the exact same things you dislike yourself. And then a mad race to prove hypothetical people wrong - an endless pursuit that keeps gaining from what you lack.

When I look at people I admire, I feel they’re so intrinsically motivated to do good in life that it feels surreal. They’re unfazed by what the world wants them to believe and have a strong sense of intent with which they live life. Whether they all pretend really well or they actually are so intrinsic, there’s no way to find out. But I want to move to a similar place - where I run towards things I want rather than away from the things I don’t. I want to continue to be motivated when things don’t work out but also not rely on things not working out to be motivated.

And since we’re talking of utopian shifts in being - I want myself to be driven by a sense of purpose and intent. Both of which will come from a set of core beliefs that I have as a person, that I keep refining to form my own world view. And hopefully, do something meaningful in life because I want to do it rather than because my back is shoved against a (imaginary) wall by (imaginary) people.